Sunday, October 14, 2012

Missing my men...

It's hard when the boys go away to visit with their dad. As much as I could use the occasional break; I really don't like not knowing what they are up to, what they are eating, and just all the little points of their day. I'm trying to be not so batty when they are gone. But I go to their room and see empty beds. Even with Kaitlyn home, the house is just too eerily quiet. My middle of the night routine gets thrown off, when I walk into their rooms to do another tuck and a kiss while they are sleeping. Just everything seems... un-natural! I know other separated mom's go through the same thing, but it's so difficult. When does it get easier?? Ever?

I did get some work done, and finished off 2 papers I needed to get out of the way. Kaitlyn and I also got some cuddle time in. But even she notices. She gets out of her crib and the first place she goes is into JD's rooming calling his name. She moves on to Ptolemy's..and heads downstairs. When she finds out they aren't here, I can expect one of two responses. She either looks at me and says all gone and sits down to quietly play by herself and look really sad and lonely, or she has a complete breakdown and cries for a good amount of time, and then this is followed by sadly playing.

So the house is just not the same without them! I miss the random "what you doing mommy" and the "I want juice"... as much as they can annoy me. But when I don't hear them, that is worse!

Tonight's phone conversation with JD entailed.. "How you doing? I'm ok... see you soon, and here's X, Y or Z." Not sure he's ready to come home yet, but I know this Mommy is. But it is hard to compete with the place you go to visit.. when there are no real "rules" and it seems like it is always playtime. They don't see him for as long as I do, so it's 'go, go, go' and 'play, play, play'...while mommy has some rules and bed times. We don't always get to go all over or get whatever we want. Maybe some day he'll get to understand that... I can home... but for now. Mommy's the bad guy that makes him be a good boy, and Daddy... well he let's him watch super hero movies and play in the basement. Some how I can't matter how many times I run to his side when he has a nightmare or is sick, how many boo boo's I kiss, or how much I love them more then any amount of words could possibly explain... I'm just not as good... and frankly, it hurts!

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