Wednesday, October 3, 2012
I am me
For so long, I let the perception of others dictate who I was or how I should look and be. While growing up, it was how my parents and others at school saw me. I was the "goody good girl" who was great in school, never broke the rules and did what she was told. I'm proud of what I did and have no regrets. But that is also how everyone saw me. I had my small group of friends and was happy with them. Moved on to college, stayed home at first b/c that was what my parents wanted. It was not what I wanted to do, and was miserable the whole time there. Moved away, and made some new friends that were younger. Had kids, and most of the people I became "friends" with were mom's. I still have a couple of my old friends, but not many any longer. I've accepted it as a part of growing up and moving on. The "mom friends" I've developed, we'll get to that...
I continued to follow the idea of what others would like me to be. Got into the "stable" relationship, got married and had children. I took on that role that was acceptable, with a guy that was "acceptable" to most. But that relationship got harped on by some, and it caused a lot of negativity between us. His family and mine did not approve of us, and constantly put their 2 cents in to what would "help." Comments of "leave him... leave her...he's lazy...she's a B*" and so on and so forth. We welcomed on our children, but when things caused us to return closer to the negativity, our relationship quickly fell apart. I turned in to myself, he turned into his video games. I took on the role of a mother to 3 boys, not just my 2 babies... and had no help. It hurt, and I saw the end. Where my priorities lied with raising my family, his did not seem to mimic mine. Maybe it had a lot to do with addressing his own fears from losing his job, but he never shared those. Instead the fighting got worse, we talked about splitting up for months... and the negativity was affecting our boys. I finally just turned away completely, he wasn't listening, he wouldn't accept it was over, and I couldn't stand dealing with it all on my own. I didn't want to break the old perception of the great daughter, wife, mother and friend that everyone had... but was I suppose to stay in a love-less relationship living like my parents had. I saw what it did to them and my brother and I. Since we both realized this, our 'relationship' has gotten that much better.
My ex and I are not together, but we do what we must for our boys. We can talk without fighting, we can be around the other, and we can accept that we make better friends then we ever did as a couple. Was it like that from the start? Oh no... that took a lot of fights and emotional outpourings to get to this point! Some fights were downright hostile, but all ended with a true outpouring of emotions that pointed to why things got heated and hostile to start with. Do we 'love' each other? I think that will always be the case. We just are not "in love" with each other! That is a big difference, and pretty important! So as long as we can talk and communicate and do what is best for our kids, everyone will be happier. Just as long as no outside forces act to ruin that aspect! For the sake of our boys, I hope that will remain the case!! I will always claim the importance of the boys to have their dad in their lives, even if there is another male figure. Their dad is their dad, and I will never work to harm or negatively affect that!
It was at this point when looking for somewhere to turn for emotional support, that I realized many of the old friends that were "friends" were really not that. They were 'there' but didn't care to be an ear or someone to vent to. I had Lem, who has and will always be, my best girl! Soph was there, but we lived miles apart, but she was always an ear. And then an old dear friend came in from the past, and we re-established our life long friendship that began when I was 5 and she was 3! But also, my best guy friend from years and years re-entered the picture. He was willing to listen to it all. We spoke for hours on the computer after I had put the kids to bed.
So I decided it was time to start really focusing on what was important, my kids and me. And in order to make them happy, I also had to be happy! Regardless of how others would see me... No longer the perfect one.. now the divorced one, the daughter who followed her own dreams and so forth.
I said I would discuss the "mom friends" I had made. Joined a great group of women online when I was expecting. Formed some great relationships and it was great having a place to turn to when things were confusing, scary and so forth when being a new mom. But with all things, nothing is set to be forever, and we have all slowly lost touch. We stayed on in a group on FB, but a fight with one of the 'admin' girls in the group, after standing up for one of my own!, made me the outcast. But that is ok, because the true friends have remained on in my private life, and the ones that were just there, well they have gone on their way. Do I miss the chatty friendship we had, of course. But I learned early on in life, and this proved it to remain true...get a bunch of women together, you're going to have drama... and in large doses. Some just need that much attention, but they enjoy it when it is negative attention as in it seems like someone is always out to get them. I saw the attacks from the other side, and should have known to leave them, but I didn't. And then it became my turn. But in all honesty, since leaving that group, I've noticed the negativity of things have dropped drastically!
I entered into a relationship that my family didn't approve of! Not because I had been married before, but because of the color of his skin. Magically the guy that I needed to leave and had been worthless and lazy before, became the perfect man to my parents. But I didn't, and still don't care. I did fall in love with that man. The one who was there when everyone else wasn't. A time when everyone knew what was going on, but chose to tell me what I should do, but not support me when I followed through with it. A man who went into a relationship with a woman with 2 kids, and took them on as his own in terms of how he cares about them. They are not his by birth, but by Gods he'd be there for them through everything! He's driven 4 hours to spend a few hours sitting in the hospital with one of them when they had a fever. He has checked on them in the middle of the night, helped ease fears, picked them up when they have fallen off their bikes, and called them regularly while he's away on military obligations. He loves those boys as much as he loves our daughter. There is no difference to him! That, just makes me love him just that much more!!
So... with that all.. lots of rambling, bouncing around and what have you... I've laid it out. I am me!! This has been what it has been... I'm still a mommy! My babies are my world.. the center of it for that matter. I'm a stay at home mom to my babies, and would not have it any other way. I just happen to be lucky enough to have someone willing to put his own life on the line (and in the literal sense of the word) and more, to afford me this luxury. I work with what I can from home to support us. I follow my own spiritual path which has helped me gain peace. I've stopped listening to what others feel I 'should' be doing. Instead, I trust my own instincts! What I feel is right for them and for us. I'm finding myself again, and finding my happiness! I have my 3 babies, 2 little Princes and a Princess! A man that loves me for me and would do anything for me and ours. I have some true friends that have remained and shown they are true, and a family that though were disapproving before, have shown they do love me. They have learned I may not listen to everything they say, I'm smart enough to figure out what is best. They are coming around and starting to accept and consider him part of the family. My honey's family has accepted us all... and my ex and I have come to terms!
Am I where I thought I would have been years ago... or in the fairy tale I dreamed of as a little girl?? NO!!! But really, this reality is turning out to be a better fairy tale then any I had dreamed of!