Tuesday, January 8, 2008

I'm not OK

November 27th, 2007, the day my world turned upside down!! This was the day I had to say goodbye to my baby..my love! My Loud!

*LOUDMOUTH - Always my Baby!*
April 1983 - November 29th, 2007
"I have sent you on a journey to a land free from pain, not because I did not love you, but because I loved you too much to force you to stay."

*Post transfered from my LJ - Same date*

Everyone looks at me like I'm suppose to just be fine with everything. They feel that it's been awhile, and hell she was "just a cat."

But she wasn't to me. I try to move on, accept that I did what needed to be done, what was best for her...and that she is happy, healthy and waiting for me on the other side...

but I can't always accept that!!

I pretend every day. I smile, laugh..and go about my day. But inside I'm broken. I'm not ok. I feel lost, empty, and like a piece of me is missing!

I cry at night, wishing to just hold her, to hear her. No one notices. To everyone I did what was the "smart and responsible" thing. To them she was "a cat" and that it shouldn't hurt.

But she was more....more to me!

She was there my entire childhood when I was sick. Sitting by me on my bed till I felt better. She was the one there when my grandparents died. Sat by my side until I started to move on. She was the one who was with me when I got the call from Jason, and never left me alone in pain. She was the one who sat with me when I got home from the hospital after being "sick." Only to leave me to get food and than back, for days! She was the one who sat on my lap at 5am on the day of my wedding to keep me calm as I finished place settings. And it was her, who looked in my eyes as she took her last breath, letting me know I did what she needed after she gave me my last kiss, that I'll remember forever.

NO...I'm not ok! NO I won't get "over it." and NO, I won't call her "just a cat."

She was my baby!! A part of me! There isn't going to be another one of her. To others she was a cat, to me she was everything. I have cats now, and I do love them. But she was different, and I know she was sent to be with me during some hard times. But I'm not ok with her being gone now. I try every day to know what I did was what was best...and it was for her..but for me, I have to relive that moment every time I close my eyes.

I just hope that I'm right in believing that there is life after this, and that she will be waiting for me when I'm through here. That she will accept that I did what I thought was best for her, and know that I wasn't ready to lose her. She waited for me to be ready. I always told her that she couldn't go, not yet. That I needed her here, there was still work for her to do. As I told her that, she started to battle her failing kidneys to stay with me. At 23 she should have been allowed to go in peace, but I told her I needed her, and allowed her to fight a bit longer. But I am thankful for every moment I had with her. Every kiss, every purr, and every memory.

For my life was complete because she, Loudmouth Ann, was in it!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment