Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The ectopic twins...

*A re-post from my LJ dated 5/20/08 at 1:16am*

My numbers for my pregnancy were all over the place. Once I got the positive pregnancy test, I immediately called the doctor and got an appointment. I went in and did some blood tests. Things came back pregnant, but newly so. My first hcg number was 97. Now, this number is suppose to double every 48 hours. I went back the following Tuesday, the number had only gone up to 301 in over 7 days. This was determined after I had my ultrasound and found out there was nothing inside. Everyone told me it was just too early, maybe i didn't know my conception date. I know when my husband and I have sex!! Well, they wanted me to come in on Thursday for another blood test. I went in and on Friday in the late afternoon, I spoke with my doctor. He told me my numbers were still rising, up to 368, but something was wrong. He scheduled me to head in on Monday for more blood tests.

On Saturday May 17th, 2008, I was taken to the ER around 4pm with excessive pain in my left side. I was immediately admitted and sent to ultrasound. Here they looked at my tubes, ovaries and check for blood in my abdomen. I explained that the pain was on the left..and my doctor seemed relieved that I could kind of pin-point my location. Considering I'm used to a certain level of pain, she's lucky I went in at all. Everything showed a rupturing fallopian tube, but nothing else in side it. So I was taken in for emergency surgery at 10:30pm on Saturday night. They gave me anesthia to knock me out, and Sam was sent to wait in the waiting room. They were able to clean out the tube and repair some of the damage, and they let the rest try to heal on its own.

While inside, she did find that I was carrying twins, fraternal (2 eggs). The other twin was down in my cervix, another area not suitable for growth, and she removed that as well. Finally got out of surgery around midnight or 1am. I spent that night in post op with some of the best nurses! Very supportive and were willing to just sit with me, knowing what I was going through. I was violently ill all morning, and my nurse held my hand and rubbed my back while I was sick. She gave me some different meds to try and relieve the pain of my surgery, but some just couldn't be relieved.

I was kept again that night, and was released the next evening (Monday night). The doctor wasn't sure about letting me out yet, but she accepted that I probably would be able to sleep better at home.

So..the general re-cap. I was preggers with fraternal twins (wow!)...however both were conisdered ectopic and non-viable. Had to go in for emergency surgery and was kept for a few days. So, Saturday night I sent two new angels up above. However, I now have 2 OB's that are on my side. My dr that I had just started seeing with this pregnancy, and the doctor I met at the hospital for my surgery. She wants to join in the care for me along with my Ob. They plan on also sending me to the fertility experts.

Soooo..my husband and I are still on the TTC group, but we need to let me heal a bit! Once I'm given the a-ok...It will be back to the drawing board! I'm currently home..and I've been banned from work for a few weeks...and back to the doctors soon. But I will be out of commission for at least a month!! Currently just getting used to the pain on my side..and again the idea of losing my babies!

Sorry so long!! But... I have survived endometriosis. I have survived PCOS. I have survived cervical and ovarian cancer. I have survived the diagnosis of a tilted uterus. I have survived 4 m/c. and now I have survived an ectopic twin pregnancy!! Running out of things but a healthy BFP to be thrown at me!!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

I'm not OK

November 27th, 2007, the day my world turned upside down!! This was the day I had to say goodbye to my baby..my love! My Loud!

*LOUDMOUTH - Always my Baby!*
April 1983 - November 29th, 2007
"I have sent you on a journey to a land free from pain, not because I did not love you, but because I loved you too much to force you to stay."

*Post transfered from my LJ - Same date*

Everyone looks at me like I'm suppose to just be fine with everything. They feel that it's been awhile, and hell she was "just a cat."

But she wasn't to me. I try to move on, accept that I did what needed to be done, what was best for her...and that she is happy, healthy and waiting for me on the other side...

but I can't always accept that!!

I pretend every day. I smile, laugh..and go about my day. But inside I'm broken. I'm not ok. I feel lost, empty, and like a piece of me is missing!

I cry at night, wishing to just hold her, to hear her. No one notices. To everyone I did what was the "smart and responsible" thing. To them she was "a cat" and that it shouldn't hurt.

But she was more....more to me!

She was there my entire childhood when I was sick. Sitting by me on my bed till I felt better. She was the one there when my grandparents died. Sat by my side until I started to move on. She was the one who was with me when I got the call from Jason, and never left me alone in pain. She was the one who sat with me when I got home from the hospital after being "sick." Only to leave me to get food and than back, for days! She was the one who sat on my lap at 5am on the day of my wedding to keep me calm as I finished place settings. And it was her, who looked in my eyes as she took her last breath, letting me know I did what she needed after she gave me my last kiss, that I'll remember forever.

NO...I'm not ok! NO I won't get "over it." and NO, I won't call her "just a cat."

She was my baby!! A part of me! There isn't going to be another one of her. To others she was a cat, to me she was everything. I have cats now, and I do love them. But she was different, and I know she was sent to be with me during some hard times. But I'm not ok with her being gone now. I try every day to know what I did was what was best...and it was for her..but for me, I have to relive that moment every time I close my eyes.

I just hope that I'm right in believing that there is life after this, and that she will be waiting for me when I'm through here. That she will accept that I did what I thought was best for her, and know that I wasn't ready to lose her. She waited for me to be ready. I always told her that she couldn't go, not yet. That I needed her here, there was still work for her to do. As I told her that, she started to battle her failing kidneys to stay with me. At 23 she should have been allowed to go in peace, but I told her I needed her, and allowed her to fight a bit longer. But I am thankful for every moment I had with her. Every kiss, every purr, and every memory.

For my life was complete because she, Loudmouth Ann, was in it!!!